That’s been really hard to wrap my head around. Especially during the times when I’m weighed down by my own mess and misery. It’s really astonishing to hear people describe me; they say all of the things about me that I conveniently overlook. All of the things that I forget about because I’m so busy trying to be perfect. All of the things that, despite my shortcomings, are still worthy of admiration and make me worthy of being looked up to.
I felt really bad today. I bailed on the graduation ceremony and graduation party of one of my dearest little sisters. It was an Anti Day; one of those days when I can’t bring myself to socialize. On days like this it’s hard for me to do much of anything involving people other than the few people I’m closest to (my immediate family, my best friend, my significant other). On days like this events full of thousands of people like a graduation or events full of too many strangers like a graduation party are out of the question.
I made the decision to flake on her and texted her and told her how sorry I was, how proud of her I was. She texted back and said “I love you Dori Tee. You’re one of my greatest motivations!” And my heart sunk. I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to go back to last night and go to bed early instead of staying up until four. I wanted to go back to eight o’clock this morning and wake up the first time my best friend called me to see if I was still in the bed. I wanted to go back to ten this morning when I actually got out of bed and still had ample time to get ready and go to the ceremony (which was literally right down the street). I wanted to go back to three something this afternoon when she called to see if I was coming to her party and hop up off the couch and throw on something cute and head there. But I didn’t do any of these things. And still, I’m one of her greatest motivations.
I have this really bad habit of making people love me in spite of. I’m a good person and I try to convey that through my genuine concern for those I love but there are also times when I look back and see where I could have done more. I feel as though I owe people so much more than I give and I’m in awe of how they’re able to overlook the times when I fall short. Giving more wouldn’t even hurt me too much. It may make me temporarily uncomfortable but I’d be able to deal with that. I want to be the person that sacrifices just a little bit more of herself or her time for those people who give so much to her than to not. Instead, I’m the person who’s up at two o’clock in the morning blogging with regrets.
She’s not my only mentee, either. Today I realized that I have a lot of really amazing young ladies who call me their mentor, big sister, and motivation. I guess I just didn’t realize that I mattered that much. That I did anything worth emulating. That I was making a difference in anybody else’s life. But now that I do, I want to do more.